We Fight Systems, Not Sisters

Here’s something I never thought I would say out loud:

Some of the loudest “feminist spaces” online today feel less like community… and more like competition.

Competition for who is the “better feminist.”

Competition for whose anger is the most justified.

Competition for who can shout the loudest, drag the hardest, correct the quickest.

Somewhere along the way, the actual mission got blurry.

Last week, as I watched conversations about Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s statement resurface — her warning not to use feminism as an avenue for cruelty — I found myself reflecting deeply on what feminism has become, and what it was always meant to be.

Some felt Chimamanda’s statement was tone-deaf.

Some felt she wasn’t vocal enough about certain issues.

Some defended her.

Some rejected her.

And the reactions spiralled into something bigger:

A growing culture where harshness is mistaken for strength, and policing other women’s choices is mistaken for empowerment.

But here’s what my spirit kept whispering back to me: We are fighting the wrong women. And it’s costing us more than we realise.

Feminism Has Never Been One Story

One thing my own journey has taught me is this: There is no single way to be a woman — so there can never be a single way to be a feminist.

Some women are radical.

Some are quiet.

Some fight policy.

Some fight culture.

Some fight in their homes.

Some fight publicly.

Some want marriage.

Some don’t.

Some want softness.

Some want fire.

And all of these approaches can exist side by side.

There is no “higher” or “lower” feminism.

No superior lens.

No correct tone.

We come from different cultures, traumas, expectations, and histories.

We are not clones.

We were never meant to be.

Where We’re Getting Lost

Lately, I’ve noticed something troubling:

We’re spending more time debating other women’s choices than we are fighting the issues that harm us collectively.

Instead of focusing on pay gaps, safety, reproductive rights, healthcare, immigration barriers, education, career opportunities, violence, and representation…

We are arguing about:

* Who wants marriage and who doesn’t

* Who still believes in love

* Who chooses softness

* Who wants children

* Who is “reasonable”

* Who is too loud

* Who is “not feminist enough”

This is not empowerment.

This is distraction.

And this distraction is making us forget:

Women are not our enemy. Systems are.

A Personal Reflection on Choice

A while ago, in a women’s space, I shared that if I ever get married, I might prefer a small tattoo on my ring finger instead of a physical ring — simply because I tend to lose jewellery. It was a personal preference, not a manifesto.

But the reaction surprised me.

Suddenly, my choice was being analysed as if it violated the feminist constitution.

Yet many feminists wear rings.

Many take their partner’s surname.

Many keep their maiden name.

Many don’t care either way.

And that is the point: Feminism has room for all of us.

It’s not about the choices we make — it’s about whether those choices are ours.

It’s about entering marriage freely, and leaving safely if it becomes harmful.

It’s about autonomy, not uniformity.

The moment we start using feminism to judge each other’s personal lives, we stop liberating women — and start limiting them in a different way.

Intersectionality Matters More Than Ever

I’ve worked in environments where feminism was loudly declared — but only on behalf of certain women.

The moment proximity to male power appeared, solidarity disappeared.

This is why intersectionality is not optional.

For many of us, womanhood is only one part of the struggle.

We are navigating:

* Racism

* Colourism

* Immigration Stress

* Cultural Expectations

* Poverty

* Spiritual Trauma

* Family Burdens

And still trying to show up whole.

Our feminism cannot begin and end on social media debates about relationships.

The world is bigger than that.

Our challenges are deeper than that.

What About the Women Who Aren’t Ready?

Another thing I’ve been thinking:

There are many women who still oppose feminism because of conditioning, religion, culture, fear, or misunderstanding.

And honestly?

It is not our job to fight them.

If they are not ready, that is their journey.

If they think women are “asking for too much,” that’s where they are today.

If they resist the movement, that’s their pace.

Our task is not to drag them into enlightenment.

Our task is to keep fighting so that, one day, their daughters — and they themselves — will benefit from the freedoms we helped create.

Some women will catch up. Some won’t. Both are fine.

But we can’t lose focus by battling our own gender when the world is already battling us enough.

Grace for Chimamanda. Grace for Each Other. Grace for Ourselves.

Chimamanda is allowed to be imperfect.

We all are.

She’s allowed to have an opinion — even a controversial one. She’s allowed to grow, to miss the mark sometimes, to express something clumsily. Because she’s human.

And so are we.

The same grace I’m learning to give myself is the same grace I want to extend to other women, even when — especially when — we disagree.

Where We Go From Here

My sisters, this is what I believe with my whole heart:

The work ahead of us is too important to get lost in moral superiority and personal policing.

Let us return to what actually matters:

* Safety

* Dignity

* Freedom

* Autonomy

* Access

* Opportunity

* Equity

* Representation

* Compassion

* Collective Progress

Let us remember that feminism is not a performance.

It’s not a hierarchy.

It’s not a competition.

It is a shared journey —with different routes, different faces, different voices, same destination.

We fight systems, not sisters.

We fight oppression, not each other.

We fight for freedom, not perfection.

If we can hold each other with compassion while we hold the truth, we will build a movement that heals — not harms.

A movement that protects — not polices.

A movement that grows — not divides.

And that is the feminism I want to practice.

That is the feminism I want to model.

That is the feminism I believe can truly change women’s lives.