When you are tired, rest!

It was on the third anniversary of this blog, while I struggled to write a post to celebrate, that I finally accepted that I was fatigued. Writing had never been a problem for me – all I needed was a topic I was passionate about and the anniversary post was a chance to talk about the progress of the blog and express gratitude to the readership, but I simply couldn’t find the words to express how I felt. 2023 has been an interesting year – I had many plans for this blog and many other projects I wanted to pursue. However, life had other plans and while I was busy spinning many plates, I was teetering and a crash was imminent.

If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit.

Banksy

I once saw a quote by Banksy that said, “If you get tired, learn to rest, not to quit”! This quote meant so much to me and had on several occasions used this quote to encourage others, however, when it came to myself, I was afraid to rest. So I kept going when I should have been taking a break – my inconsistency in posting was the clear sign that all was not ok. This blog had been in my heart for years and though the dream started with a completely different content to what I started, it was still about putting mine and the thoughts of others out there to help each other. Seeing that the initial plan for my blog changed over time, what I never should have forgotten was that, EVERYTHING evolves!

One of my all time favourite songs is Every Season by Nicole Nordeman – for over 2 decades, I have listened to this song and pondered on the lyrics that inspires me so much about the seasons and the changes that come with it. Somehow, I always felt Nicole’s lyrics were not merely about the seasons. For me, the lyrics were personal – they were more about the many changes I had been through and still am going through. For some time now, I have felt like I am in winter and everything is seemingly dead and still, and like the humble caterpillar, I have been cocooned in my chrysalis. But the beauty about these two metaphors is that even in death and stillness, life still thrives and at the right time, things begin to bloom again.

Last year, while holidaying in Morocco, we met a lady who worked in the legal trade – my travel companion and I spent one rainy afternoon listening to the many insights this legal lady had on several topics. It was during this conversation that I mentioned my blog when the topic of coercive control came up. While I was hoping to get as much information from her as possible to help build knowledge for this blog, she was looking at me as a person and not my blog. After telling her about my job and also about writing the blog, she asked me how I was able to do all that without being tired. I explained away my humanity – oh but I was passionate about the topics and I enjoyed writing them, so how could I be tired? But I was fatigued!

The last months of 2022 and most of 2023 have been challenging and I lost my spark more than I care to admit – but the beauty of being my true authentic self is that, I am never lost for long. So while caring for sick family members, comforting friends who lost loved ones, saying goodbye to decades of friendship, setting new boundaries, seeking and going to therapy, building a career, walking away from things and places that meant so much to me, celebrating new additions to my family, finding again and using my voice and simply learning to breathe more deeply – I was still me but in many different forms.

A chrysalis may look dead from the outside but there is beautiful transformational magic within and though trees lose so much in winter – there is life deep in every branch down to the roots. Nature rests, I understand this much more now – and I needed and still need rest. Though it seems I am not doing much, there is so much transformation happening within. I am learning to not rush to implement the many ideas I get – I am pacing myself. While going through all the many transitions, I realised that I was no longer the same version of myself I was when I started this blog – my outlook had changed so much and with that came the fear that I may not be able to write like I did when I started. As I dwelt on my fears and the guilt of not being able to post one Sunday morning, I called myself out for fighting the change happening within. This blog is about change anyway!

What I am trying to say is that, I have been fatigued and I finally listened to my own advice and took a rest, but not quit. I am in a season of stillness and there is so much happening within. It is because of this inner work and growth that makes me comfortable to rest, pick up when I am able to, and be patient with myself as I slowly embrace the change ahead. I am not quitting, I am resting so I can come back better. Today, I had a glimmer, and with that came a small spark to put out this post – to thank everyone who reached out and checked on me and to encourage anyone who has not felt like themselves lately, you’ve got this!

Change can be hard and our first instinct is to fight it – I know, I have been fighting hard these past months to avoid some of the change happening within and around me. But I am finding that allowing the change and learning from the many lessons is the catalyst for the change I didn’t know I needed. It feels great to post again after my long hiatus and I truly hope sharing my experience has encouraged someone. Lets be the change we need by sharing our experiences.