In the past few years, I’ve noticed a growing chorus — online, in conversations, even in women’s spaces — repeating the same question:
“But how do we hold women accountable?
It appears every time a woman’s personal decision enters public discussion. And the more I hear it, the more I find myself questioning what people truly mean. Because beneath the surface, this isn’t really about accountability.
It’s about entitlement — the belief that women owe society an explanation for their lives.
Where This Conversation Began
Before women picked up this language, it was mostly men — especially online — who demanded accountability from women. Men who claimed to be advocating for women, yet framed women’s life choices as moral failures needing correction.
Underneath those conversations, I often heard something else: unresolved resentment, heartbreak, or a personal disappointment disguised as public concern.
And now, interestingly, some women have adopted the same tone — policing other women in the same way they once criticised men for doing. Not out of malice, but often out of unexamined belief systems we’ve inherited.
A Moment I Never Forgot
Years ago, at a Ghanaian church in the UK, I watched a woman — well into her 30s — being asked to stand before the congregation and apologise because she was pregnant.
No harm done to anyone.
No crime committed.
Just a woman choosing motherhood. Yet she was asked to perform shame for the comfort of others.
I remember sitting there thinking: Accountability to whom? And for what?
That moment has stayed with me.
And recently, the same question keeps returning.
When “Accountability” Becomes Public Policing
Today, I see similar dynamics play out online:
* women shaming other women for relationship choices
* demands for public apologies
* pressure to explain private decisions
* moral judgement disguised as concern for “the community”
But here is the part we often skip: If a woman’s choices don’t harm us personally, why do we believe she owes us accountability?
Why do we assume proximity to her life?
Why do we expect insight into her lessons?
Why do we believe her private decisions should be processed publicly?
It’s worth examining.
What Actually Belongs to the Public?
A woman leaving a relationship?
A woman staying in one?
A woman choosing single motherhood?
A woman choosing not to have children?
A woman delaying marriage?
A woman redefining her path?
None of these are public offences. None of these require communal repentance.
These are human decisions shaped by circumstance, context, and lived experience — and often made in silence and courage.
We may have opinions, but opinions do not entitle us to her accountability.
A Deeper Layer We Don’t Talk About Enough
Often, the harshest judgments come from women who never had the freedom to make certain choices themselves.
Women who were shaped by culture, expectation, obligation, or fear.
Women who did what they “were supposed” to do, even when it didn’t align with who they were.
It can be difficult — sometimes painful — to witness another woman living differently. And without reflection, that discomfort can turn into policing. Not because women are malicious, but because unexamined pain tends to recycle itself.
What True Accountability Actually Looks Like
Accountability is not a public performance.
It is not forced shame.
It is not strangers demanding repentance.
Real accountability is private, relational, and specific.
If you have been directly harmed, you can seek resolution.
If something illegal occurs, the law exists for that.
If it simply makes you uncomfortable?
That discomfort belongs to you, not the woman in question.
She does not owe you an explanation for living her life.
A Question Worth Asking Ourselves
So when we ask, “How do we hold women accountable?”
Maybe the better question is:
Why do we believe women owe us their accountability at all?
What part of women’s lives have we been taught to view as public property?
Where did we learn that their choices require communal approval?
And who truly benefits when women fear judgment more than they trust themselves?
It is time to reflect.
Not to shame each other.
Not to silence each other.
But to rethink the assumptions we carry about what women owe to society — and what they don’t.
Let’s Talk
What do you think society is *really* asking for when it demands accountability from women?
I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
Koya Nkrumah 