“She is such a humble woman” – this was the comment I read under a video on TikTok and I could not scroll past it. 

There were many comments like this one on the post and most came from men – but this particular comment drew me in enough for me to stop and ask the commenter what he had seen in the under-two-minute video to deduce that the woman in the video was humble.

I wanted to understand because I was not seeing this supposed “humility” – I was seeing something entirely different and another video that same day would cement why the humble tag in the first video rubbed me the wrong way.

It’s the FIFA World Cup season – timelines and TV schedules around the world have been dominated by football. It was one of these world cup-themed videos that I would find the humility comment under. 

There has been a lot of buzz around several players and one of such buzz is around a young Ghanaian man on the Black Stars team. He scored in the opening game for the Black Stars – ultimately winning the game for the Ghanaian team.

Naturally, there has been a lot of noise around him and it was not long before videos surfaced of the young man’s father at his carpentry shop. He seemed like a nice person of very few words  – however, his “humility” was never mentioned in the comments.

Barely a week after the opening match, another video surfaced of the footballer’s mother running an errand. When the person taking the video approached her, she responded nicely and stopped to chat briefly and continued on her way.

From the interaction, I could tell that she seemed uncomfortable, perhaps all the attention was too much – and I know I could be wrong.

However, in the comments were several men – praising her for being humble. I was lost to what these people had seen in the video for them to come to that conclusion.

She was not humble – she was easy to overlook.

In that brief clip, she appeared pleasant, modest, and willing to stop for someone who wanted her attention.

These comments felt very backhanded. She was a woman who made time for everyone and pleasant throughout. 

The good woman.

The one who had to almost disappear to be seen as good.

The humble one.

The woman who becomes worthy of praise because she is easy to overlook.

And many of us have become versions of that woman – I know I have.

The one so easy to overlook that I stopped wearing bright colours. Jewellery had to be simple and not too flashy.

I remember the words from a pastor’s wife one afternoon after church while I was having a giggle with one of the girls “all these giggles will cease and you will become serious when you marry”.

Shocking – right?

The sad reality is, when this pastor’s wife tells her own story, it is filled with self erasure and performative humility – but here she was passing on the very thing that had been done to her.

So I started being careful.

Don’t laugh too loud.

Don’t draw attention to yourself.

Be modest.

Be good.

And at what cost?

My authenticity. 

My bravery.

My voice and the right to take up space.

For a woman to be called good – she has to disappear from her own life – and for a while, I disappeared from mine.

Because I was made to believe that even my smile and joy needed to disappear and if I did not get rid of them, marriage would. 

The very notion was confirmed for me today when another video caught my attention. 

A very well known Ghanaian religious leader had passed away last year – and the turmoil after his death is one for the soaps. His funeral has not yet happened.

At the heart of this turmoil are his own children. The son he had publicly declared to be his beloved and heir.

Then there is his daughter – a lawyer, politician who held a parliamentary seat for many years as well as serving as a deputy minister of the state for the previous Ghanaian government. 

The siblings and family can’t agree on who should lead the funeral planning or who should be named religious leader in their father’s stead. The argument would lead to gunshots last weekend. 

And the media are having a field day.

I chanced upon one video from the media where a man being interviewed stated his shock and displeasure regarding the siblings’ fight – and he had a lot to say.

He would go on to address his displeasure at the daughter of the deceased religious leader hinting that she had been set up to fail in marriage – because she had been provided for too early in life. And according to him, how would she submit? His closing statement was, who would marry her?

And I finally could put words behind why the “she is humble” comment for the footballer’s mother did not sit well with me.

Both women were as night and day.

The politician daughter of this religious leader was raised in wealth. She has always been very confident and vocal and when the shooting incident happened, she was in her car trying to break down her brother’s security gate – allegedly. 

She is clearly not a woman easily overlooked.

Maybe you are like the “humble” footballer’s mother – the one who is almost invisible and only seen through her son’s accomplishment. And even that was not enough – a group of people online had to decide who she was based on her aesthetics and surroundings.

Or perhaps you are more like the bold daughter of the deceased religious leader – who is not afraid to fight tradition and patriarchal hierarchy to preserve her father’s legacy.

Whichever woman you feel more like – this week, pause and check in with yourself. 

Notice the moment you make yourself smaller, and ask whose comfort you were protecting.

You don’t have to perform invisibility to be seen as good. Neither do you need to perform strength.

If this is the work you’re ready to do, the journal walks you through it page by page.