“How come I am the one everyone wants around but never enough to be chosen?” These were words from a creator on TikTok. 

And I felt them.

I knew the feeling too well and this TikTok creator had put words to it perfectly – so much so that it stopped my mindless scrolling.

I was not the only one – the comments confirmed it.

The women who have carried everyone but are so easily forgotten — the comments were full of them.

And as I read them, one sentiment seemed to ring true.

How women are expected to show up in their relationships with men.

Because why did so many women, my younger self included, feel the need to be so much more in hopes of being chosen?

I was speaking to a friend recently when the name of someone we knew popped up in the conversation.

I quickly noticed how uncomfortable she became when the name popped up  – and I felt bad for bringing them up.

I had witnessed the cruelty of someone who loved the attention of this dear friend and later dismissing her like she meant nothing.

I’d watched her lose pieces of herself to become who she thought he needed – it was in the many requests from him for favours and her ideas he passed off as his own.

It was also in how she abandoned plans with friends to go be with him when he needed  – it was pure devotion on her part, but never reciprocated.

She edited herself so much that I sometimes wondered if she even realised how much she had changed.

Back then, I always wondered if love truly could move people to become different versions of themselves.

Sat with her that afternoon, I was close to apologising when she said quietly, “I no longer talk to him, you know.”

And that statement from her shocked me.

The thing is, being liked is not the problem – the desire to be is.

And if you’re reading this with your chest tight, you already know why.

Many of us are taught to view attention and affection from others, especially men, as a chance to audition to be chosen.

And I, just like the many women in the comments, had thought that if we became useful enough, tolerant enough, palatable enough – then we would be able to stay close to love.

However, there are many people in this world who are good at taking – but never able to give back in the same measure they take.

So I understood the TikTok creator, the many women in the comments and the friend who quietly admitted that the person she had poured so much into was no longer in her life.

Because at the end of the day, we all want to be important to someone.

However, the answer is not blindly giving ourselves to others and neither is it becoming hard or difficult.

I do not have the answer – however, I have grown to know and understand that choosing and learning to love ourselves wholly is the best way to guard ourselves from trying to pour and fit into spaces that don’t hold us as we deserve.

It is from that place of choosing ourselves that we can finally love who we are enough to accept people as they are and also see clearly who accepts us in the same way.

So, the next time you are about to soften a preference, boundary or simply water down who you are to make yourself easier for another person, especially someone you are attracted to, ask yourself this question: “Am I acting like this because it is true or am I auditioning?”

You don’t have to like the answer and you do not need to do anything with it – simply observe and write it down if you can. 

Acknowledge it and allow the answer to exist.

If you are ready to stop auditioning and start choosing yourself – this is exactly the work we can do together in mentoring. There are spaces available → [Mentoring Spaces].