Why Women Must Prioritise Themselves in Motherhood Choices!

I was just a little girl in Ghana when I first heard Motherless Child—that haunting African American spiritual that echoed through my bones. Even then, I understood loneliness. I was just a little girl, yet the lyrics lodged themselves deep within me. I had spent much of my life feeling like a motherless child, and somehow, that song spoke to my soul. My relationship with motherhood is complicated, something I often choose not to dwell on. But one thing I am certain of—I would never choose motherhood simply to fulfill a societal expectation. I am not wired that way.

There is a saying in my language that translates to: “To give birth is to carry your own baby.” I detest this saying with every fiber of my being. Not because I despise motherhood, but because it’s a shackle—a demand that women bleed, suffer, and even die just to prove they’re not “barren.” Meanwhile, men walk away unscathed, leaving mothers to drown in the weight of their “choices.” Funny, isn’t it? A man can vanish, but the woman who stays is the one called reckless.  

Tomorrow is Mothering Sunday in the United Kingdom. I wish a Happy Mother’s Day to those who celebrate, acknowledging the ceaseless, often thankless labor that is motherhood. But today, I want to highlight a growing and deeply troubling trend—the increasing danger faced by mothers and women at large. I also want to shed light on the vilification of single mothers, particularly online, where unscrupulous men fueled by ‘red pill’ ideology have made them scapegoats for their own unresolved issues.

My parents’ marriage ended when I was very young, yet I was not raised by either of them. Instead, I grew up under the care of a relative, in an environment that left me feeling deeply alone and motherless. But I digress. Many of my childhood friends were raised by single mothers, and I have witnessed firsthand the sacrifices they made to raise their children. Yet, in my Ghanaian community, a mother’s efforts—her sleepless nights, her blood, sweat, and tears—are often deemed insignificant in comparison to a man’s financial contribution. I know many women who have been abandoned by the very men they had children with simply because they refused to lie to their children about their absentee fathers being providers.

Girls are conditioned from an early age to uphold the lie that absent fathers were still responsible men—to ‘cover the shame of the man,’ as they say. Laughable, isn’t it? Meanwhile, when a woman fails to meet societal expectations as a wife or mother, men are encouraged to “find a better woman.” This same toxic narrative has bled into modern discourse, with self-proclaimed male ‘thought leaders’ on social media spewing vitriol at single mothers, blaming them for the failure of relationships while absolving absentee fathers of any responsibility. It is a cruel irony that many of these so-called ‘red pill’ men were raised by single mothers—women who sacrificed their dreams and aspirations to ensure their children had a fighting chance at life. But rather than confronting the truth—that their fathers abandoned them—they redirect their resentment toward their mothers.

Now, social media’s armchair misogynists scream at single mothers, “You should’ve picked better!” As if deadbeat fathers are just bad lottery tickets, not grown men who chose abandonment.  Let’s be clear, if women really “chose better,” most of these men would never become fathers.

To vilify the parent who stayed and blame them for not ‘choosing better’ is nothing short of diabolical. I once sat next to a man at an event who proudly told me how he had always wanted to be an engineer. After years of working in different fields, he finally moved abroad to pursue his dream. He beamed with pride as he spoke about sending money back home for his children’s education. To him, fatherhood was simply about providing financial support. He was not a dad—he was a biological father. He had no concept of the labor-intensive, soul-crushing sacrifices the mother of his children made daily. He was pursuing his dreams while she carried the weight of their children’s lives alone. But in my culture (and far too many others), his cash is king, and her sacrifice is just… expected.  

When relationships end, men fight for cars, houses, bank accounts—but rarely the children. Why? Because fatherhood, to them, is optional. Motherhood? A life sentence.  To the red pill ‘brothers’ who chant the tired refrain that women should ‘choose better,’ I say this – Women should choose better. They should guard their wombs against men who have no intention of being partners or fathers. But since many men lie to get what they want, I’ll take it a step further—women should start going to court and handing full custody over to these men. Problem solved!

The absurdity of red pill ideology is staggering. These men preach that women should ‘choose better,’ yet they also shame women who prioritise education, financial stability, and emotional maturity before marriage and childbirth. They claim women should marry young but also ‘choose wisely.’ Make it make sense! They behave as if women must endure toxic relationships for the sake of appearances. What they fail to recognise is that their own bitterness stems from the very dysfunction they refuse to address—the absence of their fathers and the trauma of growing up in broken homes.

Let’s stop pretending this is just about “bad choices.” Women are dying. At the hands of partners. In childbirth because doctors dismiss their pain. In silence because society cares more about men’s reputations than women’s lives.  For too long, patriarchal research has been weaponised to instil fear in women, pressuring them to settle for men unworthy of fatherhood. The tragic truth is that many women become most vulnerable when they become pregnant. There is a disturbing increase in male violence against women, yet men online refuse to acknowledge this reality. Instead, they counter with the lazy rebuttal: “Not all men.” Well, let me counter that by saying: while it is not all men, it is almost always a man!

So, on this Mother’s Day, I want to speak directly to single mothers:

If you are raising a son, understand that he may grow up to resent you. Some single mothers will even lose their lives at the hands of the very child(ren) they sacrificed everything for – most times, it would be your son. The brutal truth is that some men never wanted children; they only wanted a way to control you. This realisation terrifies me. It is why I firmly believe that women must choose wisely—perhaps by not choosing at all. And if you do choose and he decides to walk away, let him. Give him custody and go live your best life.

Women must recognise their worth. We are divine—the very portal of life. This is why I am increasingly drawn to my ancestors’ belief systems, where the divine is female, where Mother Earth is both the giver of life and the receiver of the body when life ends. I understand this now, and I fiercely guard my womb. Have a child if you want a child. Do not let a man make that decision for you. If he truly wants a child, let him hire a surrogate—those services exist not only for women who have challenges. If you wish to wait until your life is in order, do so. Freeze your eggs if you can. And if any man dares to shame you for prioritising yourself, remind him that men age too—and so does the quality of their sperm. Aging is not exclusive to women. Enough of the delusion!

Happy Mother’s Day to those who celebrate, especially to single mothers. To those mourning the loss of their mothers, the motherless like me: We see you and I send you love. To the women who long to be mothers but face challenges, we see you and you are enough. To the women remembering the children they lost, I send you comfort. To the adoptive and fostering mothers, you are angels. And to the women who have chosen a childfree life, you are leading a necessary change—after all, not every sperm must fertilise an egg.

Women, be kind to each other. The battles we fight daily are endless, often invisible. We must stand together, support each other, and reject the lie that we are our own enemies. We are more. We are the future.

Thank you for reading, sharing, and engaging. Let’s keep the conversation going and create the change we need by sharing our experiences.