“I would never have missed it for anything in the world!”

To many reading the social media post that had this statement, it looked like a harmless message on the surface – but to me, it was a dismissal of something very serious that had happened to me.

My crime? I had decided to not show up for an event because I was battling an autoimmune disease and the medication to manage the condition had turned my life upside down.

For weeks, I would struggle to connect with this “friend” who made the post because I felt I had let everyone down.

I would later come to know that not going to the event, was exactly the right action – because I had said yes too many times when I should not have been asked in the first place.

You know exactly what I mean – saying yes when everything inside you is screaming no.

That version of you who performs attendance for others and then later convinces yourself that at least you had a good time. 

However, when you look back later – in the quiet moments, after the buzz of the activity had died down; you notice the frustration, anger and tiredness.

Maybe even regret.

You may have even spent money you didn’t have or abandoned a project or task you were looking forward to.

Or perhaps, you were looking forward to spending time doing nothing – just you and your own company.

But you said yes.

Because you learned that saying no can be unsafe and lonely.

And now you resent the very same relationships you keep saying yes to – because they drain you instead of nourishing you.

You are not being met in the same way you show up – and yet you keep showing up.

You know this too well – and so do I.

For me, it started when I was a young girl.

My cousins went into my personal space and read out my private journal to others – they would mock me for days and their mother would not allow me to express my anger at their violation.

So I learnt that it was not a big deal when my privacy was violated.

And it continued well into adulthood.

One disrespectful act at a time.

And while the origin of your hesitation around saying no may not be the same as mine – you have learned choosing yourself may come with consequences.

A boundary was never a wall against people but a place to exist without proving yourself.

And you can build and reinforce yours by getting to know yourself one reflection at a time.

Sit with yourself and reflect on your day – noticing when you said yes when you didn’t want to.

Just notice and write it down if you can.

The noticing is the start.

If this named something in you — I’ve written a few journal questions to sit with it. They’re here, no charge, whenever you’re ready.