Ever had someone react to a situation in a way that made you pause and think “that was a bit much”?

Or perhaps you reacted – in a way that made another person or even yourself wonder what your reaction was truly about?

The raised voice, change in facial expressions and body posture – or hearing your own voice in a way you didn’t recognise only to later question why?

2008’s recession is one that affected me personally. I had left university then and was looking for a job – however, the job market was not very friendly.

I remember finding temporary work with an agency – the role lasted for a few days and it required sorting through university students’ exams.

Several people from the agency were at the same work station as myself and were conversing while working, but I quietly sat in my corner getting on with the task. An older gentleman tried to rope me into the conversation by suggesting that I perhaps look at enrolling in some of the courses on the exam sheet.

I responded that I had already been to university and studied a course.

But it was not what I had said – it was how I had said it.

The conversation ended immediately and I would spend days punishing myself for my reaction by replaying the scene in my head over and over.

I had already come to the conclusion long ago that I was difficult and harsh – and this incident confirmed it. Also, I had heard the same descriptors about myself from others.

You’ve probably been in a similar situation – replaying incidents over and over again wishing you had reacted differently.

And perhaps like me, others may have labelled you as;

Hard to love.

Too much.

Angry.

Aggressive.

You may have even accepted these labels and fought with yourself countless times to change yourself – but, what you wish to change keeps happening.

I did all that too. I tried to change myself in so many ways.

Until I faced myself.

What happened at that temporary work place was not about what the man said to me. I was reacting from dealing with the disappointment of the disparity of where I thought I should be in life versus the reality.

I had done the right things – I had gone to university and yet there were no jobs in the market for me and I was angry and scared.

That script had been there since childhood. Keep your head down and study and all will fall into place – and it had not.

Or you’ve probably lived a life where you were required to play small – to swallow how you truly felt. And after making yourself and your voice small for so long – the only way to not feel that way again has become quite extreme when triggered.

You learned from childhood that feelings were unwelcome – maybe even dangerous. You may even have been punished for having them – I know I did.

So you did the sensible thing – you put them away.

The thing is – swallowed feelings do not disappear. They stay inside simmering just below the surface waiting to come up at unsuspecting safe targets or over small things.

Those big reactions are almost never about the moment – it always goes deeper than meets the eye.

Working to understand the shame I carry has helped me see that the work is not to never react.

I am focused on not reading the big reactions as a sign that there is something wrong with me.

That older gentleman at that temporary work said nothing wrong – his attempt at conversing with me brought up the belief that I had failed at something – something I had no control over.

And in my attempt to disprove the negative belief I held about where I was in my life – I lashed out at him.

Have I stopped lashing out? No.

However, through self reflection, I have learnt to notice the gap between the size of the moment and the size of my reaction. Because the gap between the moment and the reaction is where the old thing lives.

Notice that old thing – not to fix it but to compassionately observe why it is there.

And perhaps like the older gentleman in my story, you may have been on the receiving end of someone’s lash out – remember that it is almost never about the moment or about you.

If this has landed and you want to sit with it, you can start with a copy of my free journaling prompts – Choosing Yourself: A Guide to Growth and Healing.