From “Don’t Date” to “Get Married Now”: Are We Setting Up Our Women to Fail?

Last year, I came across a TikTok video by a Nigerian content creator that really struck a chord. She asked a simple but powerful question: Why aren’t African girls taught how to navigate the dating scene?

Her frustration was clear — and honestly, I felt it too. She was right! Growing up, many African girls, myself included, were raised with strict rules: Focus on your education or trade. Don’t date. In fact, even showing interest in a boy could bring serious punishment. Dating was something done in secret, behind closed doors — and let’s be real, what good has ever come from what’s hidden in darkness.

Here’s the cruel irony: The same girls who were once scolded for speaking to boys are suddenly expected to marry one as soon as they graduate. No practice. No trial runs. Just: “Time’s up—pick a husband!”  It’s no wonder so many young women end up making hasty, heartbreaking choices — the kind you only see in telenovelas.

There’s a popular Ghanaian radio show I’ve followed for years where people bring their messy relationship issues live on air for discussion. Over time, I’ve noticed a painful pattern: Most Ghanaian and perhaps Africans, don’t know how to date properly. From the first “hello,” expectations skyrocket. There’s no getting to know each other stage — just an unspoken agreement that this must be serious. Women, especially, start auditioning for the “wife” role almost immediately, giving too much of themselves before even knowing if the man deserves it. And when things fall apart — as they often do — the heartbreak runs deep.

So many people on this show, especially women, find themselves stuck with partners they barely knew before jumping into serious commitments — sometimes even having children. And tragically, in too many cases, the cost has been life itself.  Yes, people lie and deceive, but many of these situations could have been avoided if there was real encouragement to take time, ask questions, and really get to know someone before committing your life to them.

We live in cultures that glorify the destination (marriage) but ignore the journey (getting to know someone properly). And that, my friends, is a recipe for disaster.

Recently, I asked a male friend (and a loyal reader of this blog) if he had heard about the male loneliness pandemic. He hadn’t — and I wasn’t surprised. Later, he sent me a TikTok video of a woman sharing how she unknowingly dated a married man for six months. The red flags were there — but again, when your upbringing teaches you not to be curious, not to ask questions, you miss them.  He lied, yes. He was wrong. But she also didn’t ask the questions that could have protected her sooner. This is exactly why so many women today are choosing to stay single: because they keep investing heavily into relationships, only to find out that they were chasing a dream that didn’t exist. And the result, male loneliness!

When I was growing up, taboo topics like dating, sex, and even our changing bodies were shrouded in silence and fear.  I’ll never forget when I got my first period — the talk I received from my aunt was filled with fear: “If a boy touches you, you’ll get pregnant and your life will be ruined!”  

That was it.  😳

No explanation. No guidance. Just fear and shame.

The same fear and shame extended to sex and dating. Girls were taught that sex made them “dirty,” while boys were praised for their “conquests.” I sat through sermons that compared a girl who lost her virginity to a trampled currency note — worthless and dirty.  Meanwhile, boys were coached to find a “pure” woman to marry — someone untouched, someone peaceful — even though they themselves were encouraged to experience life.

It’s madness.

Girls were taught not to date because it would lower their “value,” while boys were taught to choose wisely among those same girls. Then, like clockwork, once girls finished school, they were rushed into marriage, often encouraged to cling to the first man who showed interest — even if there were glaring red flags.

This cycle needs to end.  

We need to teach young women to date strategically. To ask questions. To listen carefully. To observe actions, not just words.  And honestly? To date multiple people (safely and respectfully) — not as entertainment, but as research. Think of dating as interviewing candidates for the most important job of your life: partner. Don’t be afraid to walk away when things feel off. Pay attention to red flags. And never, ever put your happiness in the hands of someone who hasn’t proven they deserve it.

We can undo the harm our upbringing caused by choosing open, honest conversations — especially with our daughters, nieces, and younger sisters.  Dating shouldn’t be a dirty word. It should be a journey of discovery, growth, and empowerment.

To the women navigating today’s dating scene:  

– Always bring your own money to a date.  

– Trust your instincts.  

– Ask the hard questions.  

– And most importantly, choose yourself, every single time.

Life is tough enough — don’t waste your energy on anyone who doesn’t see your worth. Be strategic. Keep your options open. And never forget: you are enough!

Thank you for reading, sharing, and being part of this movement for change. Let’s keep sharing our stories — because our voices matter.