Lessons From 2023!

On January 1st  2023, I posted that I was choosing peace above all! Choosing peace in 2022 had served me well – especially in my dealings with family and family related issues; so I thought, why not continue on the same trajectory for 2023! What I forgot was that my choosing peace did not guarantee a chaos free life – and chaos did show up for me this year. However, I always had at the forefront of my mind that no matter what came my way, I would choose peace if it was available to me – and on that front, I did quite well. It was because of this choice that I viewed some of the chaos 2023 brought consciously.

For many people, myself included, 2023 has been a challenging year. It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions, loss, pain and everything else in-between – for most days, I had been grateful to make it to the end of the day alive – dramatic, I know. For me, 2023 has been about survival – and most days, just doing the barest minimum was all I could do. However, as chaotic as my 2023 has been, I learned some very important lessons and I’m most definitely not the woman I was at the beginning of 2023 – I have experienced a lot of growth.

“Happiness is a choice you make and it does not mean that you would feel happy” – I heard this quote on a TV show I was watching on the BBC recently. And how true that statement is – this year, I chose happiness over and over, but I just did not feel happy. So I leaned into my feelings – to accept them and acknowledge them. I had spent my life pushing my feelings down and running away from them and this time, I was choosing to embrace my feelings – the good, the bad and the chaotic. Most importantly, I was learning lessons – some of which I had refused to learn, implement or be consistent with in previous years. One thing I know is that life will continue to repeat the lessons we are meant to learn until we finally get it. 

I had been thinking about what to post on here for a while and for some weeks now, I had been journaling about my growth journey and it simply made sense that I shared some of the lessons I learnt this year.

Boundaries are a part of growth – Been having issues with new neighbours recently and what this has taught me is that, it is not a nice feeling when boundaries are violated. These recent neighbourhood issues has made me appreciate the security of my home and even invested in several surveillance equipment for my peace of mind. I have written about having and enforcing boundaries on this blog a few times – and I had over the years written down my boundaries and how I felt when these were violated. However, I have been a people pleaser for most of my life and this trauma response was not helping me implement these boundaries. Once I had identified what was causing me to not see through these goals, I also came to the realisation that I was too nice and no one got disrespected more than a nice person. So I had to let my nice persona go – this meant that some friendships and acquaintances needed to go. I noticed that things I had come accepted as normal were quite disrespectful from my new point of view – and I began to call them out. At the end of it all, what I came to accept was that growth comes with loss and grief.

Growth comes with loss and grief – I read somewhere that part of healing is losing parts of ourselves we are not willing to let go. I have struggled with this all year – with growth and healing work came losing parts of myself I thought was my true authentic self. Every time I had a memory come up about disrespect I had faced or how my boundaries had been violated, I noticed that I was being nice to these people to maintain relationships that were mostly one sided. This made me very sad – I had convinced myself that to be nice meant accepting people as they are – I found out that people treat you according to how they feel about you. This was hard for me to accept but I did eventually and with this came loses – in some instances, I realised that if I had not reached out to people, I never heard from them and the moment I stopped reaching out, all communications stopped. In one instance, me no longer reaching out was described as the ‘rubbish taking itself out’! Ouch – that did hurt! But I received that message loud and clear and there was no going back for me. I was losing the part of myself I described as nice and I no longer felt comfortable in social settings I had been a part of. This left me feeling lost and for the most part of the year, I grieved. The most difficult aspect of this grief was the goals and dreams I needed to let go – because they were never mine to begin with. As I lost parts of my life, I started to worry and this stole my joy for most of the year.

Worry is a thief of joy – I felt like my life was falling apart as I lost parts of me I had lived with all my life – so I began to worry. Would I ever get new dreams? Would I meet new people? Am I going to drive everyone away by changing? The questions were endless and I worried until I felt physically sick. I went back to therapy – because I wanted to escape my emotions. While I explained to my therapist about all these unwanted emotions, she pointed out that what I was going through was change. She described it as a crab or snail outgrowing it’s shell and shedding it – I was exposed and raw. The shell I had built over the years was no longer fit for purpose and I needed to build a new one. I was worried about everything – and there was one thing in particular I worried about all year only to find out this month, that it was not going to happen anyway – there was another safer alternative. I had spent the whole year worrying about this issue and what I was worried about was not even an option. What a waste of my time, right? But at the core of all the worry, was my need to know the outcome of everything. I wanted to control what happens in and around my life – but control is a beast that can never be tamed.

Control is a beast that cannot be tamed – “You must let go of the illusion of control” – Master Oogway, Kung Fu Panda. I do love animation and over every Christmas holidays, I make it a point to watch some of my favourites and Kung Fu Panda is one of my all time favourites. This year, as I rewatched this movie again, this quote about control made me pause to reflect. One aspect of my life I had been working on this year was healing my inner wounded child. Anyone that has done this work knows how difficult it is – but I wanted to, so I threw myself into doing the work. The thing about healing work is that you have no control over what happens and I felt like I was losing my mind. I wanted to control everything and life does not work like that.  To be honest, I am still grappling with relinquishing control over things I have no power over. But I am learning coping skills to help me stay grounded and remind myself that my control is only limited to myself – when it comes to other people and situations, there is not much I can do. I still struggle to accept this and has caused me so much anxiety – but I am learning. Healing is hard and trying to control everything is tiring. When you are focused on controlling everything, you easily crash and burn – and so I learnt to rest and not quit.

Rest is not quitting – I have been fatigued in 2023! There had been so many things going on emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually – I had nothing to pull from. So I stopped and rested. Had to take stock of my life and the many things I did – had to decide where to focus my energy and where I needed rest. Resting did not mean I was quitting – it meant I was recharging so I could come back better. I cannot pour from an empty cup – and I eventually had to accept this. Working hard is a good trait to have – but it must not trump my health and well being. While I chose rest over quitting, that old monster under my ‘bed’ popped up. Doubt!

Doubt is the monster that never leaves – When I started this blog, I had so many ideas on how I wanted to expand and collaborated with subject matter experts to bring content that would help many. I started some of these projects but I had to press pause – mostly fort my wellbeing but also because I was doubting myself. When I stopped posting consistently on Sundays, I started berating myself for not staying consistent. When I finally accepted that I needed rest, doubt reared its ugly head and bared it’s teeth at me. I lived in my head and it was not a safe space for me. I would eventually come to understand, through kinder self talk, that my doubts were the fears I had not addressed. I also realised that doubt never leaves us – it is like the monster under the bed that only comes alive in our minds when the lights are turned off. I needed light, and it was hard to find – but a few weeks ago, I realised that I had inspired someone that was no longer in my life and had been a rather harsh critic behind my back. By hanging around me and hearing my plans and even seeing some of the blueprints of these plans, they had decided to pick up one of such plans and run with it. The old me was tempted to think that my idea had been plagiarised – but I have grown to know that I cannot be replicated. That in the midst of all my self doubts and struggles, I inspire people; even my critics.

That in the midst of all my self doubts and struggles, I inspire people; even my critics.

Koya Nkrumah

You Inspire people, even your critics – I was watching a documentary on the Ashanti Kingdom, the Ashanti king as he was sat in state, had a gentleman with him who had a headdress of eagle feathers. I remembered a saying in the Ashanti Twi language the loosely translates that, “the gaze of the masses always follows the one that wears the hat of feathers”. The narrator of the documentary would later explain that the feather hat signified that the king was close by – so the crowd always looked out for the wearer of the hat of feathers. You are the wearer of the hat of feathers in your life – your unique gifts, talents, ideas and pernalities are the Kings. The gazes of many, especially your critics follow you closely because you inspire them – immensely. I cannot say that this realisation was humbling – it felt quite good actually. In the midst of all the not so flattering talk behind my back, I did inspire these people and that reminded me that I was enough.

You are enough – I first heard this statement from Marisa Peer when I happened upon a talk she gave on a YouTube video. I was captivated! I am enough and so are you. Our happiness comes from within and not from what others can do for us. Our self acceptance comes from within and not from the validation of others. The need to control what others think of us or to make others like us or change the outcome of certain situations is what has plagued many of us with unhappiness and in some cases, serious illness. Accepting who you are and knowing that any change you desire is within brings so much peace and removes the need to be liked and approved by others. You are enough!

In Kung Fu Panda – Po, who had been named the dragon warrior had finally been accepted and trained by Master Shifu. After a terrified group of Master Shifu’s famous five warriors return from battle all stricken stiff with nerve injuries – a fearful Master Shifu decides to give Po the super special Dragon Scroll. After much theatrics, Po opens the scroll only to find that it is empty and what he can see on the scroll is a reflection of his own image. He would later come to understand that there is no special ingredient or magical kung fu powers – what made him special for the task at hand, was himself. You are your own special ingredient – your own special formula and your own special supernatural powers.

In 2024, believe in you, take care of you, nurture you, take time to heal you, advocate for you and trust in you. It is only when you are taken care of, that you can take care of others. All you need is within you and sometimes we may need others to inspire us so we can dig deep within to find what had already been there. I encourage you to dig deep within you because “if you only do what you can do, you’ll never be more than you are now” – Master Shifu, Kung Fu Panda.

Thank you for taking time to read, comment and share – let’s continue to share our experiences so we can be the change we need.